Yesterday I had a very frustrating day. I had been trying to write a blog post about contributing to open source software and it was such a struggle. At the end of the day I still didn’t have an article that I felt good about. This week and next week I am free from work and I was looking forward to doing some open source work, writing blog posts, trying out new vegan recipies. But up to now all of it was very frustrating. I had no energy, frequent headaches, the open source work was giving frustrations as well. It all felt so draining. At the silent retreat I attended recently I promised myself to take care of myself, to keep my cup full. But now my cup was so empty.
And I asked myself: Why? Why can the things I love to do feel so draining sometimes. Even my blog, which is my ‘baby’, felt draining yesterday. Why can the people and the animals I love feel so draining sometimes? I don’t want to push them away, but sometimes I don’t want to interact either. And while I was lying awake tonight I suddenly got the answer. I’m not listening to my inner ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in the here and the now.
I’m taking the word ‘no’ way to heavy. As if I would have to quit my blog, quit contributing to open source, say goodbye to certain people forever. ‘No’ is just ‘no’ in this moment. And ‘yes’ is also ‘yes’ in this moment. The next moment can be different. When writing my blog feels exhausting I should stop, be at peace with not having a blog post in time. Some other time (maybe ‘in time’ maybe not) the blog post will write itself. When someone wants to get in touch with me and it feels like a ‘no’, I should decline politely. It was not meant to be a ‘yes’ at that moment, but it won’t be a ‘no’ forever. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next month. Who knows? When I have a headache and the cat keeps asking for attention, I should leave the cat downstairs, and go lie in my bed upstairs.
It is so simple actually. I’m just afraid of the word ‘no’. As if ‘no’ is forever. It feels like breaking a promise. I said I would do something, but now I feel a ‘no’. What do I do now? I now realize that I should follow my inner guidance in every moment. If my head demands that I do something for various reasons, and I want to do it, but the rest of my being says ‘no’, it is a ‘no’ until further notice.
This is also what is meant by living in the present moment. The here and the now will tell me what or whom I should give my energy to. This morning I got up a bit later, and I really felt like writing a blog post. And here it is. It wrote itself.
And now I feel like making myself a nice healthy breakfast. And after that, I’ll see. Enjoying my holidays 😊